"When the road ahead seems too long, look back to see how far you’ve come. For, even if the hill before you is steep, the view gives you hope to finish the journey."

     A couple of weeks have gone by since our Masha had to go back to Ukraine, but our quest to get her back continues. Liz leaves middle of February for Ukraine to file the paperwork to try to extend Masha's eligibility to be adopted after she turns 16. Liz will spend a week there by herself with only a slim chance of getting to see Masha. We have heard by traveling there no one gets turned down, but at this point we are not overly optimistic about anything we are told. The mood in our house has been pretty sedate as everyone is in a post hosting funk. My little girls have just about broken my heart with their prayers and discussion about Masha. Listening to my 8 year old, Carley, with tears in her eyes try to comfort Keira is about all I can take. We have had multiple tuck in sessions with teary eyed girls missing what could be their oldest sister. Sometimes I feel we may have exposed them to something way too difficult for them to have to deal with at such a young age. I hope for them that we end up with a Fairytale Ending.

     We did receive news today that Masha was registered Nov. 25th the day before Liz's birthday. Starting in May or June we will start all over with the paperwork we have already done. It took us 4 times last try to get them all right due to poor guidance. Hopefully we get them right the first time this go around. Our plan now is just to press forward like we are going to get her at the end of the year. We hope to get to host her again this summer if possible.

      We are praying that she will make good decisions this next year. I know a lot of life changing choices can be made at 15-16 years old, and we hope our constant contact with her will keep her on the right track.   Liz is probably being the most amazing computer mom a person could have, but there is no way to parent or give real guidance halfway across the world. 

    So for now we wait to see if we get approved to adopt her past 16, hope to get to host her for summer, and pray that we can go get Masha on Liz's Birthday.

"Don't Let the Fear of Striking Out Keep You from Swinging" Babe Ruth

      This is our last day at home with Masha Nicole before we leave tomorrow morning for Dallas and put her back on a plane to the Ukraine.  When we first got news that Masha Nicole was unavailable to adopt Liz and I were paralyzed by the news and could only think the worst.  Even though my optimism has almost been complete drained I am going to go back to what I know best, baseball.  Babe Ruth, an orphan himself, once said, "Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from swinging."  This is the attitude I am going to adopt when it comes to bringing Masha home.  We may still strikeout, but I am going down swinging this time.   The mood in the house today is fairly sedate as everyone prepares for the inevitable departure.  Last night listening to my 7 year old Carley try to comfort my 5 year old Keira about the situation was almost heart breaking.  This was the one time I was thankful Masha could not understand English.   Today we are going to spend the day at home packing and preparing ourselves for what tomorrow holds.
     This last week we did not do much, but try to prepare Masha for what it would be like if she were to come live with us.  We have discussed boundaries, rules, and expectations. (Computer Rules are going to be our biggest obstacle.)  I will not say she was happy with all of them, but was compliant.  Liz set up an appointment at the High School with the ESL teacher here in town, and we got a tour of the new Yukon High School.  I was impressed by the size and the number of students at the school, so I am sure that Masha was completely intimidated.  Just like the previous hosting the last week has been panic mode for her and us.  Masha constantly wants pictures of everyone and everything before she goes back.  Yesterday we were lucky enough to have photographer, Lisa Doan, donate her time in taking some nice professional pictures of our family and Masha that we can send back with her.   I think Masha was more excited about getting pictures taken than any other part of her trip this time.   I am praying that the pictures we send back will keep her hope alive until we get to see her again.

   Thank you everyone that continues to pray and support what we are trying to do.  It is definitely far from the easiest thing we have taken on, and the prayers have to help.

   
     Well here we are in the lat week of hosting and I constantly feel sick at my stomach at the coming good bye.  The last 3 weeks we have seen much more of Masha Nicole than we ever did on her first trip here.   Last hosting it took us about 2 weeks to see her beautiful smile, but this trip I rarely see her without a smile.  The compassion and love she shows for my two daughters melts me as they play together every evening.  She may have even cracked some of my Dad's stone facade he puts up about the situation by telling him she knows he must be a good grandpa by the way my girls love him.  The previous hosting Masha went into panic mode around this time, where this time I feel that it is Liz and I that are grasping for straws.    We felt in our heart she would be a permanent part of our family by Christmas, and now this may be the last time we get to see her.  Unfortunately I have completely lost my optimistic outlook on our situation, but refuse to give up hope and will continue to do what is needed of us until it is an absolute no.  It has been nice this trip to have very honest real conversations with her about everything, but it still does not ease constant tension and feeling of unease that the unknown brings for us all.  I am sure there are others that have gone through the same thing know the roller coaster of emotions between helplessness, anger/sadness, bitterness, and for me down right Rage.

     As far as the hosting goes though it has been all happiness for the most part.   I think all 4 of my girls have burned both end of the candles the entire Holiday period.  There has been baking, ice skating, video gaming, skyping, movies, ice cream, ballet, shopping, shopping, and more shopping.   They have stayed so active we have completely run out of anything to do in Oklahoma this time of year.  The only poor behavior we have seen is typical of any teen, which is boredom.  I am pretty sure this is an incurable disease at this age.  We have had an exponential increase in the amount of English and English lessons this trip without pushing.  Last night Masha ordered her own meal at dinner.  It was completely unhealthy, but she ordered it herself.  We have almost cured the wearing the same clothing everyday other than this hideous turtleneck she says she has to wear to cover her neck.  Liz takes it every evening to wash it and hides it for the day so she has to wear something different.  My absolute favorite about this trip is the amount of laughter.  Masha's laugh is hilarious and borders on Eddie Murphy type funny.   Every time she starts laughing I can not help but laugh and before you know my 2 girls are laying on the floor laughing.   Nothing but good things about hosting again this trip.  It is good for the heart as long as you can handle the good bye.  If only the Adoption part of this could go as well.

A Comforting Reunion

      The first week of winter hosting is in the books. I will have to say it has been very comforting to have Masha back in our house. Maybe the best sleep Liz and I have gotten since she left. Despite the massive language barrier she just seems to fit, looks and personality. Airport pick up was way less stressful this year as we were met with huge hugs. Masha did not release her hug on me until her baggage came around to be picked up. The first week has been busy as we told her to bring absolutely nothing so we could fit more with her to send back. She brought nothing! Wednesday and Thursday were spent clothes shopping, she picked up right where she left off being very picky. We did manage to get 3 pairs of jeans, sweat shirts, and yes a dress (More on that later). Carley and Keira instantly took up were they left off with Masha and have not left her side. The best part is Masha enjoys them and has yet to be annoyed by the over stimulation. Masha is very good at making sure she gives each equal attention. She is just as sweet as the last time we hosted her. I really felt we may have somewhat of a different experience since she would already be comfortable with us. I guess realistically I am waiting for the I am not sure what to do moment. Hopefully we never have it during hosting.

     Friday and Sunday were all about the girls in my house events. Friday night Liz hosted a mother daughter ornament exchange. This was a bit too much for Masha as she did not want to come out of her room. Although I can not imagine why with 30 women and children probably talking about her and she has no idea what they are saying. With a little coaxing from Liz she came downstairs for the exchange game. This is the first time we have had to make her do anything, and she handled it well. The second event was the Nutcracker Ballet. The question here is, would we get Masha in a dress? The answer is after Liz using her mom voice she complied, and before I knew it I had 4 beautiful girls standing in front of me in the living room for pictures. Masha had never been to a ballet, and loved it. I even managed to stay awake through the whole thing. It was good to know we did not use up all the first experiences on the first trip.

     Overall our second hosting experience is just as much of a blessing if not more. It has confirmed to us that we have made the right decision to continue forward even if the results do not end up what we would like them to be. It still continues to be a roller coaster as we find more occasions where our agency and facilitator have dropped the ball. We have even found out that official paperwork could have been filed back during our initial hosting that would have given us her status long ago legally. I am still trying to figure out why we were not given this option in the beginning even if it took 8-12 weeks.  We also find ourselves trying not to have a bitter feeling about how the entire process went down.  The next three weeks are going be all about making the best out of the time we get.   Hopefully a Christmas miracle will happen, and we can figure something out soon.

A Bitter/Sweet Visit

     I have not been very good at keeping up our blog lately as we have not really received much in the way of positive news when it comes to Masha Nicole.  I did not start this blog to sound critical, bitter, or extremely negative, but looking at my last several entries that is exactly what it looks like.  I would love to take back the last few entries, but every feeling, frustration, or injustice is absolutely true.  I want it to be out there so people know not to expect a nice perfectly smooth process.  This is the one time in life where I would expect the worst and hope for the best. 
     Now for the good news and what this blog was created for.  Masha will be here tomorrow night at 11pm, and we get her for 4 weeks before we have to send her back again.   We are going to try to only focus on the positives while she is here even though a few days I am sure we will end up with some sobbing.  Masha has been texting us all day with her Ukraine version of Yippie I think, so we know she is as pumped as we are.  After we pick her up we have given her the option to stay in a hotel or head straight back to Oklahoma, which will be a 3 hour drive.  She wants to head straight home so she can see the girls first thing when they woke up in the morning.  I am pretty much sure the drive will consist of Masha and Liz sleeping while I drive.   Even though they will be sleeping I think it will bring a level of comfort I have not had since she left.    
     This is a very bitter/sweet visit at the same time though.  We still very much want to bring Masha in as part of our family, and I believe she wants it even more so.  She has almost been in panic mode as of late because her best friend is currently being adopted out of the orphanage right now, and we were suppose to be there at the same time getting Masha.  We actually even received travel dates for next week to go, but she is not available.  I know at some point we will have to broach this topic while she is here, and it is going to be extremely difficult.  I have been praying that the right things to say will come to me, because right now I have nothing.   Best case scenario is we can get her next November with a more realistic time being right before her 17th birthday in March.  That is if the Ministry of Magic actually got her in the system.  We have made the decision to ride this out as long as the road will take us and then some to get Masha here.  We just hope and pray when we get to the end of the road we end up with happy addition to our family, Masha Nicole.

Sorry if Anyone is Offended

     There is a saying frequently said to Liz and I to bring comfort that actually bothers me quite a bit.  This is not meant to offend anyone, and if you disagree I will not think less of anyone. In fact there is a small amount of scripture that might actually support an opposing view or even entire denominations that follow Calvinistic teachings. The saying, that can be put many different ways is, "It is all in God's plan."  Spin as many ways as you want, but that is the just of it.  As we have progressed through the trials and tribulations with Masha we have heard this at least a hundred times now.  Every time I hear this I absolutely cringe inside, but attempt to keep a calm exterior because I know someone is just really attempting to be thoughtful.  It bothers me to think of God, that sent his only Son to die for our sins, is playing us like puppets or chess pieces.    So if it is true that we have a predestined path to follow, then God creates all the; hurt, suffering, disease, starvation, murder, etc. that we experience, and we have no responsibility for our own actions.  In fact why even attend church if He has already predestined who is and who is not going to heaven.  I know I am taking this a little to the extreme to make a point, but why would God purposefully put any child in an orphanage or give them a glimpse of the family they could have then take it away? To continue that though why would He take the most amazing mom from a son and leave a gaping whole in family that needed her?  I will not pretend to think that I know what God is thinking,  I just do not see Him, "the God who so loved the world that he gave his one and only son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life," John 3:16 being that kind of God.  I do not see Him like the person that dangles a carrot in front of the donkey just to get him to walk and then takes it away when they arrive at their destination. 
      In fact I believe quite the opposite.  Every disease, hurt, murder, abortion, or what ever you can come up with was in fact caused by man's decisions.  I think even atheist will agree that man's inherent nature is sinful depending on how you define sin.   Every road block, hiccup, or heart ache we have received through this process is not a God thing, it is a glowing example of man's corrupt selfish nature.   Now do I think God answers prayers, Yes. Do I think miracles happen, Yes.  Do I believe he left us here to rot and kill each other, No.   However, without freewill to make our own choices evil, good, or indifferent it takes away the reason God created man, which was to have fellowship with Him.  I am not sure about you, but I have never had much fellowship with a puppet. Now I do think God has a plan, but we choose or do not choose to be part of it.  We chose to have fellowship with Him, we chose to follow the teachings of the Bible, and then He decides if our heart really is were we confess it to be and allows us into heaven.  I will leave a few scriptures that I think mostly deal with predestination vs. freewill, but I think they apply to the God has a plan theory.  Feel free to comment or even disagree.

He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him. Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God-- John 1:10-12 NIV

For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. Titus 2:11.

Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Matthew 28:19 NIV


 And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.  Hebrews 11:6




Please excuse all the Grammar mistakes as my Editor is at Gymnastics with my Girls.



 

"Decisions become easier when your will to please God outweighs your will to please the world."

     Now that the dust has settled and all the quasi facts are on the table, Liz and I have some big decisions to make as a family.  So, by now we know Masha was never registered to be adopted in the first place.  It was a big mix up in how her name was spelled, and everyone wants to pass the buck that it is not their fault.  We know that she will be registered next Tuesday, November 8th.   To adopt anyone from Ukraine you have to wait 12 months after they are registered so it gives people in Ukraine the chance to have first pick.  Another fact is Masha turns 16 in March, which technically times her out of adoption age unless we travel to the Ukraine in Jan. or Feb. to submit a form to the U.S. Embassy that we want to adopt her.  Pending that decision, which we have heard there is no guarantee they will say yes, we can proceed to try this process all over again. Then starting around May or June we have to redo all the paperwork we have already done including a revised home study. Then if adoptions are not shut down or by some miracle everything goes as planned we can go back this time of year next year to get her.
     The hard part now is deciding what we are going to do.  Right now we are mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted.  We have put everything we have into making this happen just to have it come crumbling down.   A very big part of us really wants to throw in the towel.  We are concerned we do not have the energy to do this all over again.  We also worry about Masha's age.  Masha will be very close to 17 if not 17 by the time we can get her.  Liz and I were already worried about getting Masha adjusted to school and through it at 16, but losing another 1.5 years seems to really stack things against us all.  We are also concerned what will happen to her development wise in that amount of time. There is a big difference between the maturity of 15 and 17 year old.  Even as I type this those 2 reasons seem very selfish, but are very real.  This has already been quite the interruption to our family.  We expected a certain amount of trials and tribulations when we hosted Masha then proceeded to adopt, but right now we are exceeding the threshold of what can be dealt with.
   On the other side there is a precious little girl in Ukraine that we love very much.  I know everyone has their hosting experience, but we had THE hosting experience.  I could not have asked for a more perfect fit for hosting.  She showed a gentleness and compassion with my girls that immediately won me over.  Masha looked at Liz as if she was it; her mom, rescuer, friend,  guide, and her glimmer of hope.  Her face when she had to leave will forever be burned into the back of my eyes.   Without us or another family her chance at a better life will almost be gone.  

Please keep us in your prayers as we try to make the best decision for our Family and Masha.