Well here we are in the lat week of hosting and I constantly feel sick at my stomach at the coming good bye.  The last 3 weeks we have seen much more of Masha Nicole than we ever did on her first trip here.   Last hosting it took us about 2 weeks to see her beautiful smile, but this trip I rarely see her without a smile.  The compassion and love she shows for my two daughters melts me as they play together every evening.  She may have even cracked some of my Dad's stone facade he puts up about the situation by telling him she knows he must be a good grandpa by the way my girls love him.  The previous hosting Masha went into panic mode around this time, where this time I feel that it is Liz and I that are grasping for straws.    We felt in our heart she would be a permanent part of our family by Christmas, and now this may be the last time we get to see her.  Unfortunately I have completely lost my optimistic outlook on our situation, but refuse to give up hope and will continue to do what is needed of us until it is an absolute no.  It has been nice this trip to have very honest real conversations with her about everything, but it still does not ease constant tension and feeling of unease that the unknown brings for us all.  I am sure there are others that have gone through the same thing know the roller coaster of emotions between helplessness, anger/sadness, bitterness, and for me down right Rage.

     As far as the hosting goes though it has been all happiness for the most part.   I think all 4 of my girls have burned both end of the candles the entire Holiday period.  There has been baking, ice skating, video gaming, skyping, movies, ice cream, ballet, shopping, shopping, and more shopping.   They have stayed so active we have completely run out of anything to do in Oklahoma this time of year.  The only poor behavior we have seen is typical of any teen, which is boredom.  I am pretty sure this is an incurable disease at this age.  We have had an exponential increase in the amount of English and English lessons this trip without pushing.  Last night Masha ordered her own meal at dinner.  It was completely unhealthy, but she ordered it herself.  We have almost cured the wearing the same clothing everyday other than this hideous turtleneck she says she has to wear to cover her neck.  Liz takes it every evening to wash it and hides it for the day so she has to wear something different.  My absolute favorite about this trip is the amount of laughter.  Masha's laugh is hilarious and borders on Eddie Murphy type funny.   Every time she starts laughing I can not help but laugh and before you know my 2 girls are laying on the floor laughing.   Nothing but good things about hosting again this trip.  It is good for the heart as long as you can handle the good bye.  If only the Adoption part of this could go as well.